7.5
I finally finished my exams, so I guess that means it’s summer break now. It’s been so long since I wrote anything, I really should put something down.
Let me start with what happened before the exams. Recently, I got surrounded by those rotten old ninths, and they used all kinds of indirect, sneaky ways to take shots at me. They might as well have just written my name and ID number out in the open! That fascist homeroom teacher even said things like: „Don’t ruin your relationship with your parents. Some students feel oppressed, but don’t be so childish! Some students, once they get to the second semester of eighth grade, start acting a little crazy, feeling like everyone’s targeting them. By ninth grade, they get a little better, but at first they may not even realize it. In the first semester of ninth grade, they might still be crazy for a while. Later, everyone wants to get into a good high school, so they settle down and stop doing all this meaningless stuff.” Let me translate that for you: „Don’t resist your Confucian parents! Don’t damage the joint dictatorship of those rotten old ninths and Confucian parents! You feel oppressed? Then just endure it. Order for us reactionaries comes first, and you come second! You started to awaken a bit in the second semester of eighth grade, how terrifying. Hurry up and look ahead to ninth grade — your dream of making big money is still waiting up front, so stop resisting us! There are some stubborn revolutionaries who keep trying to continue the revolution even in ninth grade, but in the end they get bought off by us sinister and cunning bourgeoisie, the revolution falls apart, and look how powerful we are — do you still dare to resist us?!”
The language teacher also said something similar: you should use your phone less at home and argue less with your parents. Your parents don’t get any benefit out of you anyway, so why would they use you? The stupidest thing is arguing with the people who feed and clothe you!” I almost died laughing. What do you mean they don’t get any benefit? In those parents’ eyes, we’re nothing but little assets that can appreciate in value, so of course they’re frantically investing in us while we’re still young. Then when they go bankrupt and we can’t appreciate anymore, they get all furious, wipe away their tears, and say: „I raised an ungrateful bastard!” And if you argue back, they can’t outtalk you, so they get heated all over again and start swearing like crazy. Is that what you call having no benefit? Yeah right, nobody’s buying that! And people like us, who’ve had a little contact with Marxism, are exactly the ones who need to expose this truth, smash this tragedy and this death spiral, and unite the oppressed students to fight together!
Then came the final exams. My grades went down, which is a good thing; the bad news is that they didn’t go down by much. The main drop was in English, and that really did make the English teacher panic. He called the Confucian mother directly and said I was like a completely different person, that even seeing me made him anxious, and that after class I was hanging out with those ghosts. Heh, what’s there to panic about? Can’t you be the ones raising a successor for the bourgeoisie anymore? Can’t you finish the task and get your bonus? As for those ghosts, maybe it’s just that they violated your interests, so you’re scared to death and call them ghosts! Yes, I have changed, but that’s a good thing. The old me is dying, and a new me will be born from this ruin! But that old thing is still counterattacking, trying to snatch back control, so I still have to stay alert and keep fighting it.
But the reality is that in my struggle against the Confucian dog, I’ve become weaker and weaker. After he found out my English grade had dropped, he asked me a bunch of things — how I was thinking at the time, how this and that would definitely lead to that and so on — basically a pile of smug, hollow crap. Then he finished with: „You’re too impetuous! You need to play on the tablet less from now on.” Right there, the knife came out of the sheath. If you cram this kind of garbage into your head, how could you not be impetuous? It’d be weird if anyone weren’t. Then he also said I should play less, which shows he really did hit a nerve and hurt his own interests! But the fact is, I didn’t do anything at the time. I swallowed my anger and thought, fine, fine, don’t make this a big deal. But actually, that kind of thing is narrow-minded petty-bourgeois egoism — compromising without principle or bottom line just to protect your parasitic position, acting like a dog and a lackey. Why is that? After that most intense struggle ended, how come I suddenly didn’t dare do anything anymore? Or was I the same all along, and before that I was just going through a burst of petty-bourgeois fanaticism? I thought about these questions for a long time and still didn’t get the answer I wanted. I only know that I lack ideological struggle, but just saying those four words is too abstract. What exactly is the reason? Right now I don’t even have confidence in the struggle against not joining the 修团 in ninth grade.
C seems like he’s turning into a primitive man. He thinks his QQ account is already screwed, so he’s just stopped using it. Honestly, that’s a bit like cutting off your nose to spite your face. The only way I can contact him now is through H, who attends tutoring with him. I asked H to sound out his ideological situation, but H doesn’t seem to care that much and didn’t really say anything. Actually, at first I wanted H to make contact with Y first, but he never did that, so I guess I’ll have to do it myself.