Yesterday I exposed the rotten state of my own reactionary life since school started. But I exposed it with a task-oriented mindset, so I only described lewdness and how I used comrades’ trust to deceive others, without much reflection. After seeing criticisms from comrades like spirit.boxer, the proletarian comrades, and Chu Yang, my thoughts became complicated. First, I still stand on the side of preserving my personal reactionary lifestyle and am unwilling to make substantive changes, clinging to defeatism. This seems to imply I’ve become a stubborn faction impossible to reform, but in fact it is my refusal to accept others’ criticisms. I realized that after only a very rough exposure, I did not receive unconditional, unconditional “forgiveness,” and I could not continue to blend into the revolutionary ranks, leading to a sense of sorrow about my personal future. When I saw spirit.boxer’s reply, I understood that no one defined me as a rightist counterrevolutionary; it was my own fear of making changes that grabbed these labels and put them on my head, and invertedly treated my personal disclosures as a chip to attack the organization, thinking “I’ve exposed things, why don’t you forgive me…” There was no one stopping me from changing; I myself have always been unwilling to change my stance. As spirit.boxer said, it seemed like some external force was preventing me, such as having a utilitarian attitude toward revolution or treating tz with a directive bureaucratic attitude. Were these problems not solvable by myself? No, I simply never thought about how to change. I didn’t even have the basic resolve to change; how could I discuss concrete questions about changing? Only to beautify myself, I said I didn’t know what to do about these problems.
Second, I, still on the reactionary side, was not willing to immediately criticize my own behavior or change my life, and instead felt that “it’s too fast,” or “let’s slow down.” After seeing Chu Yang’s criticism, I realized that as a member of the revolutionary forum, I should not indulge in reactionary songs and videos, flirt with girls, or treat revolution with a utilitarian stance, etc. Opposing these things is originally my obligation as a forum member and a Marxist, not an extra requirement. When replying to spirit.boxer, I openly treated these reactionary behaviors as things that “should be done” in capitalist society, which shows I have long stopped regard myself as a forum member and stopped holding myself to Marxist standards. I have no discipline for myself, my thinking is backward, and I am especially attached to reactionary life. Therefore when others demand I change, I think “isn’t this too fast,” “let’s abstain from lewdness for a few more days,” or “changing my thinking requires preparation.” Even after a few days, I still avoid criticizing reactionary lewdness and continue to wriggle. This is the same speech as Peng Dehuai’s, criticizing speeding up ideological struggle. I have always avoided facing the struggle task before me now, forgetting the duties of Marxists, always postponing to the future. Tomorrow after tomorrow, how many tomorrows there are. Moreover, changing thinking and stance does not require special preparation—where are so many external factors? It mainly depends on whether I have the resolve to sever ties with my old life. Looking back, I did not have this resolve, did not fulfill the duties of a Marxist, and every time used such excuses to deceive myself, using double-dealing methods to deceive comrades. Now my thinking has become radical enough to take actual action and defect from the organization, which is truly crazy. I must quickly return to the correct path, not stay only at revolutionary slogans but take action, pay back debts, and fight for the top technical college.
Third, I am shocked by tz’s criticism. After reading his critique, I am astonished by his political progress. Previously I was a reactionary bureaucrat and held a serious brotherly attitude, treating tz as my “younger brother,” constantly pointing and bossing him around, using words snatched from the organization to pressure him. In my impression, he was always that image of political backwardness last summer. Before this defection, when tz criticized me, I often mentally attacked, “You’re fit to criticize me?” I didn’t realize tz’s progress, because I feared tz would outshine me and I suppressed him, secretly scornful and ridiculing him. Now seeing tz standing on the correct path and criticizing my reluctance to go to the top, I suddenly realize that my previous reactionary prejudice toward him was too deep and not the attitude toward comrades! Initially I thought that tz had already grown politically with everyone’s help and would no longer be deceived by my few lies, so I must treat him with comradeship rather than bureaucratic elder-brother attitude. However, I find this mentality of mine is itself reactionary. If a person politically does not understand something, he should not press others with revolutionary phrases to gain prestige. Is it only when tz makes political progress that I will treat him with a comrade attitude rather than a bureaucratic one? This actually still places me above tz. I apologize to tz for my bureaucratic thinking and behavior, and I am determined to treat him with a comrade’s attitude.
In the afternoon I lingered in these reactionary minds for a long time, until after seven I reread “The Road of China’s Future Revolution,” determined to learn to discern reality and at least shift my stance to the revolutionary side (instead of continuing to stand on personal life just to clash with you openly or covertly). I have currently studied the first part, changes in the world situation. My reflections are: one, the world needs revolution. This year is 2026, exactly fifty years since China’s capitalist restoration, a full half-century. The socialist camp has disappeared for 50 years, leaving a few revisionist states led by China that smear socialism and blacken the Communist Party. If we look more broadly, China’s capitalism is restored, the Third World has been divided by imperialism, and the people have returned to suffering, etc. Should Marxists not oppose and criticize? Two, the storm is coming. The Chinese reformist line was written in 2023; now in 2026, the conflicts between Russia-China and the two imperialist powers—the United States and Britain—are more intense and obvious; a imperialist war is imminent. The Russia-Ukraine war and the Israel-Palestine war have lasted several years, and recently the US and Iran are also at war… All signs indicate a full-scale war is near. I have not seen war with my own eyes, but it is clear that after war breaks out, the people’s days will be even harder, certainly much worse than during the pandemic. The petite bourgeoisie will go bankrupt faster, join the ranks of the proletariat, and the proletariat will be conscripted to die for the Chinese reformist line; only the reformists and a small group of private oligarchs will benefit. From the Marxist standard, I should oppose war, not wallow in the lewd pleasures manufactured by the reformists. As criticized at a reading meeting, people of all countries spontaneously march against world war; only the small-bourgeoisie of the reformists is the most blind to the worries about war, still luxuriating in comforts. Secondly, I am currently a parasitic petit-bourgeoisie that has not yet begun proletarianization; when war breaks out, what should I do? Which path should I take? Then class contradictions will become sharper, will I become a dog for the bourgeoisie? First ideas: I have long been addicted to lewd pleasure, thinking big matters are too few, focused on personal gain and seduction, with no grand communist ideals, which defiles the name of Marxism, or rather I am unworthy to call myself Marxist-Leninist, which is shameful.
While reading the second part, I felt fury. After causing the toiling people tremendous poverty, the reformists still tax, fine, and extract money from the masses. The people who created most of the wealth live under such hardship, not only squeezed in urban villages with poor housing but also forced to compete for enough wages to live. In comparison, I am a parasitic student living on my mom’s salary (my mother still works in the back kitchen of Xibei; she, as an ordinary prep worker, resents the take-charge and kitchen management, but as a Confucian parent, her wish for me to make a fortune is very strong. I think she is someone who fell from a wealthy petit-bourgeois position into the proletariat, and still harbors many reactionary ideas). I live in luxury, spending up to 100 yuan a day on food and drink during my wildest times. I also act as if I am in a patriarchal emperor position at home, ordering my mom around and not doing domestic chores myself, forcing her to do housework after a long day at work. This is effectively occupying my mom’s labor from a capitalist position. Reading about reformism here, contrasted with the life of the workers, I feel ashamed; I protest wearing the banner of Marxism while living atop the masses, almost the same as left circles. I must change!
[image attached: 690x862]